Welcome to the first installment of my blog. I'm not sure where all of this will end up, but I think it will be an interesting journey.
Really, though, why am I doing this? That's a good question. I think it will be a testament of where I was and where God has brought me to.
For much of my adult life I felt alone and like an outsider. Sure, I looked OK on the outside, but inside I was lonely and closed-off. I was blessed with a wonderful husband, children and family, but outside that I didn't really feel like I belonged anywhere. I felt broken and defective. So many days I just went through the motions, hoping that the connections and acceptance I yearned for would come. But as the years passed it got worse instead of better. And brick by brick I built a wall around myself.
Then one day, about eight years ago, my doctor called to give me test results. "You have cancer," I heard her say. In the blink of an eye, life wouldn't be the same again.
At the time I wasn't a Christian. I was cynical and intellectual and I wasn't even sure how I felt about God (even though my family and I went to church occassionally.) But having cancer and facing the possibility of dying has a way of getting one's attention—and forcing you to see differently. Through it all, cards and prayers and the kindness of others kept me going. My grandmother sent me a card in which she simply wrote, "God's love is everywhere." I read it and cried because I could see it was true. Even in the midst of this scary, uncertain experience, God's love was there. The first few bricks of the fortress I'd built around myself had been removed. The softening had begun.
My cancer was cured surgically in a few months, but it would be several years before I let go of my hurt and my cynicism toward Christianity, and let God close to my heart. I knew that God wanted me to learn something from this experience. One thing came through loud and clear, my health is a gift! This knowledge led to quite an experience. (I'll share some of those adventures in future posts.)
My "spiritual journey," if it could even be called that, was a process of two steps forward, one step back that went on for years. Until one day, I was at a program at church for my kids. The feelings of loneliness were overwhelming. With no where else to turn, I sought out the pastor. He listened to me as I poured out my heart, my fears, my hurts. Things I never admitted out loud. And then he prayed for healing. He asked the Lord to show me His love and acceptance. I was broken and I admitted it. I asked Jesus to come into my life.
Guess what, He did! And He started to heal me.
Accepting that God did NOT make a mistake when he made me has been one of my biggest hurdles to overcome. And I admit that I still struggle at times, comparing my “insides” to other people’s “outsides.” But, I know that God didn’t make a mistake because God doesn’t make mistakes. My personality, talents, interests and experiences are just as God wants them to be—and he has a plan with my name on it.
You know what? I’m pretty certain that God has a plan that uniquely designed just for you, too.
So, this is a little insight into this journey that I’m on. I have seen God use and transform me in ways that awe and humble me. I’m writing this aren’t I?
Now there’s proof that an awesome God can use an ordinary girl like me.