September 10, 2009

In Search Of . . .Something

It’s 11:00 in the morning. I was up at 6:30 and my youngest left for school at 7:30. That means I’ve had hours of alone time. After a summer of not much “me” time you’d think I’d be hootin’ and hollerin’, and doing a happy dance. I should have lots to show for my new-found freedom. But, in reality I’ve accomplished little today, I’m still in my PJs and I haven’t eaten breakfast yet. Embarrassing, I know.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Am I lazy? Depressed? Unmotivated? Lacking inspiration?

Good heavens, someone just rang the doorbell. I’m going to hide until they go away. If it was you, I’m sorry. Whew, it was just the FedEx guy. He left a package and drove away.

I’m back, where was I? Oh yeah, procrastinating.

I’m not sure what’s wrong, but clearly I need to improve a bit in the time-management arena if I have any hope of cobbling together a day before the kids get home from school. What I need is a personal coach/mentor/nudger. Someone to gently direct and encourage. Someone like my children’s first grade teacher who found a way to praise a child’s efforts no matter how small. I can hear her telling me, “Good job, you got out of bed…maybe we can start the article you’ve wanted to write…or go to the grocery store.”

The other day my husband asked me where I wanted to be in ten years. Ten years? I don’t know where I want to be in ten days! I think this might be a problem (mine, not his). It brings to mind something my wise friend, Kathleen, shared on her blog the other day: Always begin with the end in mind. Hmm, maybe she and Dan are onto something.

Truly I want to live a life that honors God. And in some ways I do, but I believe there’s more. And I’m waiting for divine guidance to whatever that “more” may be. It seems God is kind of silent. Or maybe I’m kind of deaf?

I know it’s natural for me as a mom to reevaluate my life as my kids get older and need me less and less. And I know I tend to lose perspective real fast during these “transistional “ times. There’s much I could be doing (like writing/submitting/reorganizing/reconnecting) but I’m not.

The word momentum comes to mind. It’s a law of physics that it’s much easier to keep something going than it is to get it started. (Or something like that…I never actually took a physics class.) Anyway, I certainly lack momentum which is making it hard to get started in any direction. I seriously need some motivation.

For now I’ll get my momentum from the fact that I’m so hungry I can’t type anymore. Then I’ll get dressed. And maybe walk my dog. Who knows, if I start with the basics can self-actualization be far behind?

Do any of you have any idea what I’m talking about? Or is it just me?

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.” (Psalm 51:10)


Analisa said...

Just letting you know it is so not you. I am so there. I know I was supposed to leave my job, I thought to write and now, well not so sure. Not about the leaving the job. That was pretty much written out for me by God but the writing. But I trust God and my favorite saying to Him is Lord you said your sheep hear your voice and another's they won't follow.

So I have increased my private worship and prayer time. Spending more time in the word. I mean up before my son gets up for school and I know God will guide me into what He has planned for me during this season. Sometimes when you don't feel like doing anything else it is because your spirit is crying out for more of God. Then the bored, restless, lazy feeling tends to fade. So turn on cable to some good ministries, get out a note book and dive in.

Anonymous said...

OK, thank you for putting into words what I've been feeling for the last year! I'm giving myself this school year to figure "it" out and then next school year I'm off to work... or something. I agree with "getting the ball rolling" - but which ball and which direction? hmm...

elaine @ peace for the journey said...

Nearly wettin' my pants over here (tmi); are you living my life? I didn't get out of jammies until 5:00 PM yesterday. I was nearly rotten by that point, determined to not let my Thursday go to waste. Wrong. Internet issues that consumed me for a good chunk on the morning; I did get the blog post up, but the other stuff I needed to do today didn't get done. At 3:00 PM I picked up the kids and ran to the store to get something for my husband's birthday, which is also today.

So, you're not alone, friend. I have some productive times and some that completely spend like a blur. I should have run today, but I didn't (don't shoot me Susan). Oh, and unexpected door knocks nearly send me OVER THE EDGE. I've been known to hide too!

Tomorrow will birth better; I'll pray along those lines for both of us.


Cheryl Barker said...

Kelli, I don't know if it's true for all writers, but getting started on new projects is the hardest part for me, too. Amazing what I can find to do while I'm trying to work up the fortitude to dive in and flounder around for awhile trying to get my footing. Good luck tomorrow! :)

Kelly said...

not just you. not at all.

Sometimes I think that God gives us quite times of reflection so that our mind can wander and we can go over thoughts that are in our head. At least, it seems to be true for me.

This is the first semester that my son has been in school, and the first week or so (tomorrow is his second Friday) I felt like I was missing a limb...there was such a void with him away from my side.

apowers said...

Sometimes more "Me" time is actually time you need with others. Take a shower, get dressed, and then you have more motivation to do whatever for that day even if it is staying at home by yourself. I hate staying in my PJs all day it makes me feel like a slob......

Kelly Combs said...

I get you! This is the first year both my kids are going to school (I have a kindergartener). Yesterday after I'd done all the laundry and cleaned the house and done everything earlier in the week, I actually watched an entire movie by myself. AND IT WASN'T ANIMATED!

I'm going to need to start inking out my time better and writing and doing things. May I glorify God in all things.

Wish we could meet for coffee! Wouldn't that be fun?

Terri Tiffany said...

It isn't you:) You may just need some down time to reevaluate just as you are doing. That is good! You will find your direction and then find also you have all kinds of energy to reach that new goal!

Irritable Mother said...

Seems pretty unanimous.
It isn't just you!!!
We know that of which you speak. *grin*
On days like that I try so hard to remind myself I cannot rely on my feelings. Time to exercise my will!
Here's to mercies which are new every morning, and a gracious God who is so patient with us!

Sue J. said...

I may be the only one here who WISHES she WAS YOU! I am so full of deadlines for things or new things starting; there's no time to sit in jammies!

I can't imagine being out of something to do at the moment.

But, see, now I have the opposite extreme issue, and it really isn't much better on this side of the teeter-totter.

Lists can be really helpful, just so you see in writing what's a have-to-do or a like-to-do. Even if it is "walk the dog," if it's on the list, you might feel the need to cross it off the list.

With everything that has been on your plate in the last few months, it's not surprising to find yourself in a nebulous neighborhood. But, again, if you wrote what you've done; what you've thought; what you'd like and need to do, you give yourself a visual...and you'll be hard-pressed to let that stand as a finished work.

Still....I'd like to come over in my PJs with coffee and commiserate over all this stuff!

Sassy Granny ... said...

How wonderfully normal!

Stay in your pajamas all day and read the day away. It's a cure that always works for me (and be sure to add some chocolate)!


Lelia Chealey said...

Oh sister, I wish I would've read this yesterday. Maybe I would've taken a shower before 8pm and fed my family before 9pm!
I did a lot of writing on the computer, but that's it. No dishes, laundry, library like I promised my 8 year old, just writing in the work clothes I came home at 7 that morning. Then I had to go back to work at 11pm.
Ugggh. I just read a quote by Denzel Washington this morning that his kids have memorized..."We do what we don't want to do so we can do what we want to do".
Thought that was a good thought for my day. :)
Keep looking up and being real! When we are real, that's when others relax because they realize they aren't alone.