Road Rage Parenting?...Or a Better Way?

I sat in my VW bug waiting for the light to change. Lost in my thoughts, I sang loudly (and badly) to the radio and enjoyed the beautiful day—until a car pulled up behind me so quickly I feared I might become a punch buggy sandwich! I glared in my rearview mirror to assess the car’s occupants. A man, I assume was the dad, drove while his teenage son sat next to him. Neither of them looked happy. At all.

The father stared out his window while anger burned in his eyes. The boy glared straight ahead, his jaw clenched and his face stony. Their non-verbals proclaimed the simmering tension. The scene drew me in and I continued to watch them in my rearview mirror (hoping my sunglasses hid my voyeurism).

Soon the dad starting yelling. He flailed his arms, gesturing wildly. Then he pounded his hands on the steering wheel (yes, while he was driving). At one point he titled his head back and roared! He wasn’t just mad. He was furious and on the verge of losing control—of himself and his car.

Throughout the entire rage-filled outburst, the teenage son maintained his fixed gaze and didn’t utter a single word. He may have looked detached or dismissive, but I have no doubt a storm of emotions churned under his fortified façade as caustic anger inflicted unseen wounds.

I have no idea what happened to cause such wrath. Maybe the son messed up with garden variety teenage stuff, or maybe he did something bad. Really bad.

I processed the scene as thoughts swirled in my head. As a mom I wanted to jump out and yell at the father, “Stop! Can’t you see what you’re doing? You’re the grownup here. There has to be a better way to deal with this situation!” I wanted to hug the boy and assure him, “No matter what you did, you don’t deserve this. It’s going to be OK.”

While I sat there in judgment on the dad, my heavenly Father nudged me with a painful realization: How many times have I lost my temper with my own children and lashed out in anger?

I, too, have behaved oh-so-badly as a parent and am sure if I watched a video playback of some of my outbursts I’d burn with shame. Yes, as a parent I try hard and often succeed, but too often I get frustrated and irritated. I want things my way. My flesh gets the best of me and I explode. What scars have I left behind as a lasting memory?

Ouch.

Being a parent is hard. It brings out the best in us. And the worst. We all fall short. We react out of impatience and anger. We crash and burn. None of us are perfect, but we cannot take lightly the devastation we cause our children with our tongues.

We must control our tempers and reign in our anger because our careless words have tremendous power to harm. “The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.” (3:6)

Yet, how in the world can we navigate the depths of our weaknesses and captain the parenting ship through stormy seas?

We can't.

We need help. Divine help. Thankfully Jesus shows us the way—the only way. No matter how badly we’ve messed up, He doesn’t condemn or lay a guilt trip on us, He invites us to come to Him. And when we press into Jesus, a cool thing happens, the Holy Spirit begins to transform us into His likeness.

We have a choice and the apostle Paul shows us the consequences of both choices: following our sinful nature or following the Holy Spirit. “Let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: …hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division…But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.” (Galatians 5:16,19, 22-23 NLT)

Patience, gentleness and self-control? Oh, how we parents need more of these!

God’s Word promises that as we let the Holy Sprit guide our lives, we will (not might) bear more fruit. The more we let the Spirit guide us, the more fruit is produced. As we parent with with more gentleness, more self-control, more patience and most of all, more love we become the godly role models our children need. Of course we’ll still make mistakes, but each time we stumble Jesus offers forgiveness and a fresh start.

I will never know the real story of the angry father and son. But, as a parent I want the scene I witnessed to serve as a cautionary tale of a place I never want to be. And I want it to remind me that this parenting journey is too difficult and the stakes too high to travel it on my own.

“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4)

By Faith, Not By Sight

It’s been longer than usual between postings partly because I’ve been busy with actual paying work. Partly because of the long weekend. And partly because of writers’ block—three partially written articles wait for an ending I can’t seem to locate.

I thought writing would get easier with time and in fact, it’s gotten harder. Struggling with ideas and being unable to finish articles has caused me to question my purpose as a writer. A few months ago when I started this blog, I was so excited to start a new adventure. I felt an incredible sense of God’s presence in my writing and the insights came quickly and (fairly) coherently. I experienced God in a way I never had before. It was exhilarating.

Now my thoughts are jumbled and God’s leading seems distant.

I wonder, should I stop writing? Did I misinterpret God’s calling? Did He only need me for a short while and now He’s moved on to another writer? I’ve prayed and earnestly asked God to guide my next steps. Thankfully He answered those prayers—not with a definitive answer, but with insight.

We’ve had some great weather here lately, but last week one day in particular was incredible. It was the kind of day we get just a few times a year. The sky was rich turquoise, the light and shadows razor-sharp, the foliage radiant and the clouds like sculptures. Even the strip malls looked magnificent! My heart quickened as the photographer in me wanted to grab my camera and dive in.

I think our relationship with God can be like this. Once in a while we experience the Almighty in a profound way. For brief moments we see Him clearly and crisply. We directly feel the Spirit guiding our purposes. We savor the view.

It’s the kind of experience we want to last forever.

And someday it will. But here on earth our view is obscured. “Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.” (1 Cor. 13:12)

Just because I see God dimly, doesn’t mean He is any less present in my life. In answer to my prayers for direction, I received and have meditated on this verse: “We live by faith, not by sight.” (2 Cor. 5:7) Faith is not about emotion and certainty. It’s about choice—choosing to persevere when the outlook is hazy. Faith means we keep on keeping on even when it doesn’t seem like we’re making much progress.

Look at the saints in the “Faith Hall of Fame” in Hebrews 11. Noah, Abraham, Sarah, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, Moses and Rahab. They all chose faith when their circumstances (and I’m sure their feelings) said otherwise. They chose to believe God’s promises even though they never fully received what was promised.

Noah spent decades building the ark, Sarah waited 25 years for a baby and Moses wandered in the desert for 40 years. I struggled with writing for just a month. Why am I so impatient?!

For now, God’s gentle guiding has set me straight and started the words to flow again. Until I sense His directing me otherwise, I will persevere. Who knows what He has in store for me, or for any of us? I do believe when we live by faith, not by sight, God's plans are so much more incredible than any we could ever devise. We just need some patience.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some unfinished stories to attend to.

Lost and Found

About three and a half weeks ago I lost my cell phone. Now to some people this would be a major catastrophe akin to global warming, but for me it wasn’t a huge deal. Why? First, because I use my cell phone for my convenience and not as a way to be accessible 24/7 (Shocking isn’t it?!). And second, I tend to “misplace” things—valuable things like my purse, my wallet…and my cell phone. But, sooner or later they eventually turn up. Often because said lost object was found and returned by a Good Samaritan. (Like the time someone turned in my wallet found in a shopping cart in the grocery store parking lot!) I am living proof that good, kind people are not the exception.

So, for me, “losing” my phone was SOP (standard operating procedure). I knew it would turn up eventually.

When I realized my phone was missing, I checked its most likely locations. No luck. I looked a little harder. Still no luck. About a week or so later, I extended the search. I checked the car (again), my purse (for the tenth time), coat pockets, the laundry, under my bed (although I did find a book I’ve been looking for!), counters, the laundry room, my desk. I even offered my kids reward money if they found it. Nothing! I reconstructed where I had been and called those places. Nope. No one found it. “Hmmm?” This was odd, even in my unusual world of misplaced objects. I just knew it had to be somewhere.

But after three weeks, the inconvenience of being without a phone finally got the better of me. Last Friday I broke down and ordered a new phone. Fortunately my contract was up and the phone was free*. In a few days a new, pink cell phone with all of the latest technology was promised to my doorstep.

Getting ready for church on Sunday, I put on my cute lime green suede blazer (one that I don’t wear very often). As soon as I took it off the hanger, I knew. “Aha! I found it!” I joyfully shouted. Yep, the cell phone was in the pocket of the blazer (although I never put things in the pocket of this jacket! And I don’t even remember wearing it!)

Patience it turns out would have been a virtue.

Isn’t finding God in our lives like that sometimes? We know He must be there, but we just can’t find Him. Our search is blocked by many things—our schedules, cynicism, intellect, suffering, doubts, fears and feelings. The brokenness we hold on to—even our own efforts. So we look for God in all of the likely places and He remains elusive. And sometimes we go our own way, looking for a replacement. Patience is hard.

But often when our hearts are still and our thoughts are elsewhere, God has a way of showing Himself to us in the most unlikely and unexpected places. And in this moment we joyfully shout, “Aha! I found Him!”

"Be still, and know that I am God…” --Psalms 46:10

*Note: Except for grace, nothing in life is really free. Especially “free” cell phones!
Note: In an amazing coincidence, above referenced cute, pink cell phone was delivered by FedEx exactly twelve minutes ago!